I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

Little Dude!

So today I decided to have lunch in Forsyth Park. I walked over to Parker's got myself a Panini and Naked Green Machine and headed down to Forsyth. I found a bench under a tree where a little bit of sun still came through and unwrapped my sandwich. Not two seconds later I see this cute little squirrel staring at me from across the path. He stands and sniffs the air and then looks at me curiously. I'd look away and he'd hop towards me but when i'd look back he'd freeze where he was. We played this Red light/Green light game for a few minutes before he had come all the way over to my bench. He was very cute and I'm sorry the picture I took didn't turn out better. Anyway, He started circling the bench I was sitting on waiting for me to drop something. I laughed and said, "What little dude? You want some sandwich?" I extended it towards him and he crept a little closer. I told him he couldn't have the whole thing and tore off a piece of bread for him. I dropped on the ground and he hopped over and ate it then stared at me like he was waiting for more. Apparently another squirrel must have seen what happened because suddenly little dude booked it behind me and chased another squirrel away. He then returned and sat at my feet patiently awaiting more food. I gave him a couple more pieces of bread then bid him adieu for the afternoon. I think we'll do lunch again real soon. :)

The way I see it

... having realized the book was not where she'd left it Jenny proceeded into the living room to continue looking. It was not on the coffee table or in the couch or on the floor or on the shelf, but on her desk next to a half empty cup of tea. She picked it up and began reading it once again...

I don't see life how everyone else sees it. I see it as one giant script with characters and a plot and a specific formula for how relationships and certain situations should work. Everything has to have a certain amount of comedy and a certain amount of drama or it's not worth going through. Movies are not life. Books are not life. No form of media is ever even 50% accurate in terms of how it portrays life. My life, however likes to follow the laws of a good plot or so it seems. I don't think the way you think and I don't see things the way you see them; my mind works differently from yours. I see people having fun while I miss out and I automatically assume that what I'm missing out on is far better than it actually is. I don't think anyone except the select few who think the way I do will ever be able to fully understand me. I am a glass half empty person who tends to assume the worst. I am an emotionally restricted person who for one reason or another never cries, especially in front of people. I am not spontaneous though I'd like to be and I'm really bad when it comes to talking about certain things. I am the average person, though I like to admit, a little weird too, and i make all the same mistakes everyone else does. I have eyebrows with minds of their own that are currently set to don't not attack mode  and I need a new teddy bear. Details on that last sentence are reserved for those who care enough to already have an idea of what it means. Basically, what I'm saying is that I am very much my own person and forgive me for this, but there are very few people who will actually ever understand me and who I will actually ever understand. Like I said, I see people as characters and their lives as back stories. I see life as a series of chapters in a book and scenes in a movie. My view of reality is distorted though some may say it is a gift. Next time I see you it may or may not be me. It could be one version of me; a version from an earlier chapter or perhaps a more mature version you have not yet met. I don't know who I channel on a daily basis or what experiences I'm calling upon because i write my script with every step and every word as they come. I can't rewind and I can't fast forward so I just have to let life play and once I finally get to the last scene I'm sure it will be one to remember. 

Consider your teeth sunk in

I realize it’s been some time since I’ve given any serious thought to what I put on this page and I feel it is my duty to make this entry a meaningful one. I don’t mean meaningful as in profound or life altering, just meaningful as in something more than a quick note or song or video. The truth of the matter is that tomorrow something amazing will happen: we will have either a Black President in Barack Obama or (I hope to god this doesn’t happen) a female vice president in Sarah Palin. I have nothing against women but everything against someone with less foreign policy experience than my sister. Having done my duty and submitted an absentee ballot already I have taken part in this history making election and hopefully you have done or will do the same.

On a different note… a very different note, I have found that I am once again lost in my own head, contemplating life’s ifs, ands, and buts. Not one time have I escaped from myself alive and I expect this time to be no different so those of you with the ability to reach out and touch me I suggest you either temporarily back away to a safe viewing distance or hold me tight and never let me go because this ride is going to be intense. Perhaps intensifying the situation is the fact that I am rapidly approaching another major transitioning period in which I leave college and go home for a month and a half leaving those with whom I’ve become friends behind. I truly believe you develop stronger bonds when you experience something new together which means that I am more tightly bound to my college friends than I ever could be with my high school buddies… even if I am closer to them. I’ve had certain experiences here that simply cannot be understood by anyone not directly involved in the situation and when I leave and my stressors pile up and I crash no one will understand why. Yes, some of it is left over from before I ever got here ad some of it relates to back home as well but it still will not be the same. It’s like the saying “you can’t step into the same river twice”. With everything new there is something old and something that can never change but as with everything in the future, it will be what we make it. Right now, I’d say my future looks bright and despite the occasional flicker I don’t think it’ll get dark anytime soon. All that being said, I hope your days are as good as mine and that when you come crashing down you have someone to catch you… if you are worried about that then consider my arms your safety net. It’s the least I can do, really. If no one catches me I can at least make sure you don’t land on your face too. Nobody likes to see more than one person bloodied and broken though they’d rather not see anyone hurt at all. And by the way, I love you.

Friendliest Friendliness Required

You ever notice how everyone classifies their friends into friends, best friends, acquaintances, family, lovers whatever etc... well I've noticed that there are even deeper subcategories within those. Seriously, like I've noticed that my best friends are the people that I hang out with and enjoy spending time with the most... obviously; however, I've found that only some of my best friends are the ones that I can cry in front of or flop down next to when I'm tired or feel like shit. This goes back to something I wrote about Aristotle around this time last year regarding his theory on useful friends and relationships versus a true friendship. When it comes down to it I think Aristotle combined with Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving perfectly describe relationships on all levels. That's just me though. But seriously, when you refer to A and B as your best friends you would expect them to be equal in nature, but they aren't. They are equal in the sense that you can talk to A about B and vice a versa, but you can't always go to B for a hug when you need it. You can however be blatantly honest and open with B but not with A. So here's the conundrum... who's the real best friend? Is there a real best friend or will both outlive their usefulness once a true best friend comes along. If I recall correctly (and I most likely don't) Aristotle said something along the lines of a true friendship entails never having to ask for help and never needing to suggest getting it. Everything is understood and the give and take is virtually non existent. They way I see it, according to Aristotle's definition, I've never had any friends and neither have you for that matter. So should I just consider myself friendless and go on living in this crazy world of usefulness vs. nonusefulness or should I tell Aristotle to go fuck himself because I believe that I do have real and true friends? 

I'll answer that question with a question for my friends: Why do you spend time with me? Is it because there is an unspoken bond or is it because I provide something you need such as directions, a ride, leadership, family, someone to lean on, a printer, a tv, a bodyguard, a laugh, an outlet...?

I'm a Toys R Us Kid!

Yet, I really need to grow up. It's terrible. I think I pretty much suck at life right now though, I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to rock at it at 18. I know I've done a lot of growing up over the past few years but there are a few things I just can't seem to get down. It's weird but I've always gotten along better with people several years older than me. I've always been able to talk to them more freely and I've found that their maturity compared to that of the people my age is quite refreshing. The only thing is that though I may want to be friends with these people, they don't have any interest in spending time with someone who isn't legally allowed to drink. It sucks. I mean, I totally get it, I don't really want to hang out with ten year olds and in some cases that is the age difference between me and the people I enjoy spending time with. I dunno. I just wish I was old enough for them to accept me because I know that half the time when we're talking they're wondering why on earth they're having this conversation with an 18 year old yet they continue because it's an intelligent insightful conversation that they are enjoying but at the end of the day they don't really want me around. I don't know what I'm trying to say. and I know that that sentence up there is jacked but I don't care. I guess it pretty much just sucks being 18 because the high schoolers are too young for you and everyone over 21 thinks you're too young for them. 

F*#kMonkey!

So you make plans. It doesn't matter what kind of plans they are so long as you make them with other people. The first person you talk to says maybe, that it depends but they can probably do it. The second person says absolutely and you're ready to go. This is oh, say, five days in advance. The day before you are set to carry out your plans you check with everybody and all is good so you spend the next morning cleaning and what not so that your evening can be fun and worry free. You know the first person will be late because they have a previous engagement so you call the second person to double check on when they'll be arriving. They don't answer and you leave a message. They call you back and ask if you can move your plans to tomorrow instead because they have "work" that needs to be finished. You ask if they can ask their parents again. They say they'll call you back. When "in five minutes" becomes two hours you call them again and are forced to leave a message. Five minutes later you receive a text from person one. It says "she's not coming". Now you know that not only did person one lie to you about what they were doing, they didn't even have to courtesy to return your call. Now person two has no reason to come because you can't carry out your plans unless all three of you are there so you tell person two not to worry about it and that you'll reschedule. You're still royally pissed at person two. So you see, you may think your friends are reliable or dependable, but they're not. Some are, yes, and some can be trusted and counted on, but most of them, the ones you usually think are pretty cool, turn out to be lying, undependable assholes. Have a great day!

Who needs sleep?

"Can't sleep," I ask politely.
"No. I"m doing work though, actually."
"Oh, I'm doing this because I can't sleep. If I turn a light on to read, I might as well kiss sleep goodbye. There's nothing on tv, not that I watch much anyway but... that leaves me with this."
"You don't need a light to be on your computer?"
"Nope. :) The glow from the screen illuminates the keyboard."
"Oh."
"So, what are you working on?"
No answer... five minutes later, still no answer.

Maybe she's busy. Maybe she fell asleep. No you idiot, she probably doesn't want to talk to you because she doesn't like you. Oh! New comment!

"I'm just working on a bunch of different things, nothing specific."

"Oh, I see. Look, I'm really enjoying this, but if you don't want me to bother you anymore I can get off..."

"What? Oh, no it's fine. It's a distraction, a pleasant one at that. I really don't mind at all."

She minds, I know she minds. I wouldn't want to talk to me at 2 in the morning if I was doing work. I really should let her be... oh but I can't, I want to talk...

"Ok, but um, you know stop me at any time. So, it's 2:15, what does that make it where you are?"

"It's 1:15 here. Why aren't you sleeping again?"

"I just can't. I've always been a bit of an insomniac. you know what I wish though..."

"No, what?"

"I wish I could pull my truck out of the garage, drive to the end of the block, park and just chill in the bed, under the stars. I really wish I could."

"Why don't you then? It sounds nice to me too."

"My parents would freak if I just left in the middle of the night. The only time I can actually do that is when my friends are here and we stay up all night."

"Oh, I see. But I guess if you were out under the stars we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?"

"No, we wouldn't. Oh shit, my computer's about to die. Could we continue this tomorrow?"

"Sure thing. Good luck sleeping!"

"Thanks and good luck with your work."

That's a conversation I had a while ago with a friend of mine, the italics represent my though process. If you can't sleep and you can't think of anything to do, get in touch with me during the wee hours of the night. Chances are I'm still awake and I'm really quite reasonable during those hours.