Oooh... let's play the song game

Where I write out the lyrics from one of my favorite songs and you get to listen to and read it and then consider how it applies to your life!

Watching me like you never watched no one

Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

nanananananana!!!!!!

I feel like singing and not for any reason other than I haven't touched a guitar for two months and am used to playing, writing and singing music on a regular basis. I dunno. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm waiting for the main event of UFC 91 to start and all my friends are out and about because they have lives. I know, I can't bitch because it's my choice to watch the fights right? Honestly, I'm pretty sure if I'd gotten a better offer I'd be out doing something. No one offered though. The only thing I even heard about was this dance thing and everybody knows I don't do dances. My woodgrain looks halfway decent now though, that's a plus. I spilled water all over my canvas and almost ruined it earlier but it's all good now. So, I guess there's nothing more to say but that I'm pretty sure I'll never figure you out. I'm so confused. I don't even know. My head hurts. 

can't help but wonder

why nothing ever seems to turn out the way we want it to and when it does it's never as good as we think it will be. 

I lied

I am back. I feel like a part of me that had taken an extended vacation has finally returned to work and I'm beginning to understand things again. I am referring of course to my alter ego. She happens to be a psychologist with  a bottomless pit of knowledge. As I was discussing yesterday, when I am in psychologist mode it is oddly reminiscent of House. Yes, the tv show is what I'm referring to. You know those moments when house is having a somewhat pointless conversation then he just stops stands and leaves the room because he found the answer in something someone else had said? That's what I'm talking about. I find and give answers in much the same way. I can't really explain the whole of  what I'm talking about, you just have to take my word for it that I am on an entirely different level intellectually with this part of me intact. I can't explain how the mind works or why we do the things we do but goddamn it I can be wise sometimes. I should mention the graham crackers but I think it was more of a you had to be there type thing than anything you could laugh at now. Also, just to say it... Teddy Bear. 

I did it again

forgive me because my best thoughts have been expressed in direct verbal forms of communication recently. I think best and write best when I cannot get it out in any other form therefore I am at my writing worst when I am talking and expressing. As I said, forgive me, no one is perfect.

oops...

I almost didn't write at all today but I didn't want to skip since I've been doing so well. I'm just gonna say I'm busy working on a painted rug so all my creative genius is currently targeting that instead of this. That is all.

owwwww...

I am sore. My neck, shoulders and back are full of knots... I even found a knot in my right forearm yesterday. Bottom line is I need a massage and less stress. Knowing I only have 30 hours left of class before I go on break is promising but final projects and exams, not so much. Every day when I wake up and roll over my shoulders crack multiple times and my neck and back tend to pop. I'm like my own percussion section or something. So, ya. I get that this is lame so I'm gonna stop and I'll write something meaningful later!

Maybe...

I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say so I'm going to write about nothing. Nothing obviously is not possible so you already know that by writing about nothing I'm not writing about something. Maybe I just don't feel like writing right now but I can't think of anything else to do. Maybe I need a hug. Maybe I want to go back to sleep. Maybe I want to go home. Maybe I want to sleep in a bed that doesn't hurt my back. Maybe I want to pet my dog. Maybe I want to give you a hug. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm hungry. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I'm confused. Maybe I just want the truth and Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe I'm a jerk. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I beat myself up so other people can't. Maybe I protect myself too much. Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe I'm just making up excuses. Maybe I'm seeing things that don't exist. Maybe I've written all week because I have nothing else to do. Maybe I've written this week just hoping you'll read it. Maybe I'm not the one actually writing this. Maybe I have a doppleganger.  Maybe you shouldn't believe everything you hear. Maybe I shouldn't believe everything I hear. Maybe I should get up. Maybe I should stay here. Maybe I never should have told you. Maybe I should tell you. Maybe I don't know what to do. Maybe I want answers. Maybe they don't exist. Maybe I'm immune. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I need a kick in the face. Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe I'm too observant. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just missing something. Maybe I can't see. Maybe I can't hear. Maybe I can't speak. Maybe I don't have anyone to talk to. Maybe no one will listen. Maybe I miss getting phone calls. Maybe I need a new teddy bear. Maybe I can fix the old one. Maybe I eat when I'm stressed. Maybe I do things I regret. Maybe I hate myself. Maybe you hate yourself. Maybe I should just stop. We are all human. We all question everything or at least we should. I drank a soda last night for the first time in five and a half years. I just didn't care. 

Down Time and a little poetry

So in case you haven't noticed I've been posting a lot this week. I write when I have down time and I have had quite a lot recently. It's a way for me to turn laziness into productivity and also sometimes acts as a stress relief activity too. Walking back from my lunch with little dude today I started looking at everyone I passed on the streets and thought how interesting it would be if I knew them all. I have a made the decision to meet someone new everyday. Whether it's someone I pass on the street or in a hallway or maybe at a restaurant or something i plan to introduce myself to at least one stranger per day from now on. I decided a while back that I wanted to give one person a story to tell at dinner everyday and somehow never followed through with that either. In case that needs explaining I wanted a complete stranger to go home and when they are eating dinner with their family say, "Something interesting happened today. I was driving home from work and I saw this girl..." the girl of course being me. So maybe by meeting someone new I will also give them a story to tell as well. I don't know how my vision gets so blurred sometimes. I lose sight of things that I thought were important to me and suddenly I realize I've let myself down and I know that if I let myself down I've let everyone else down too. I really like having the time to write again even it is boring occasionally. I think we all need our down time to stay sane or in my case to keep from getting more insane. I dunno... I really want to throw in some crazy quote that'll make you laugh but it's not that simple. It would have to be perfect and I don't really believe in perfection. I believe in imperfection; that imperfections are what make things and people their absolute best. Now whoever can tell me the name of this poem, who it's by, and what line is my favorite will get... um.... well you'll be totally awesome and amazing!

That which then was ours, my love,
don't ask me for that love again.
The world then was gold, burnished with light --
and only because of you. That's what I had believed.
How could one weep for sorrows other than yours?
How could one have any sorrow but the one you gave?
So what were these protests, these rumors of injustice?
A glimpse of your face was evidence of springtime.
The sky, wherever I looked, was nothing but your eyes.
If You'd fall into my arms, Fate would be helpless.

All this I'd thought, all this I'd believed.
But there were other sorrows, comforts other than love.
The rich had cast their spell on history:
dark centuries had been embroidered on brocades and silks.
Bitter threads began to unravel before me
as I went into alleys and in open markets
saw bodies plastered with ash, bathed in blood.
I saw them sold and bought, again and again.
This too deserves attention. I can't help but look back
when I return from those alleys --what should one do?
And you still are so ravishing --what should I do?
There are other sorrows in this world,
comforts other than love.
Don't ask me, my love, for that love again.

Little Dude!

So today I decided to have lunch in Forsyth Park. I walked over to Parker's got myself a Panini and Naked Green Machine and headed down to Forsyth. I found a bench under a tree where a little bit of sun still came through and unwrapped my sandwich. Not two seconds later I see this cute little squirrel staring at me from across the path. He stands and sniffs the air and then looks at me curiously. I'd look away and he'd hop towards me but when i'd look back he'd freeze where he was. We played this Red light/Green light game for a few minutes before he had come all the way over to my bench. He was very cute and I'm sorry the picture I took didn't turn out better. Anyway, He started circling the bench I was sitting on waiting for me to drop something. I laughed and said, "What little dude? You want some sandwich?" I extended it towards him and he crept a little closer. I told him he couldn't have the whole thing and tore off a piece of bread for him. I dropped on the ground and he hopped over and ate it then stared at me like he was waiting for more. Apparently another squirrel must have seen what happened because suddenly little dude booked it behind me and chased another squirrel away. He then returned and sat at my feet patiently awaiting more food. I gave him a couple more pieces of bread then bid him adieu for the afternoon. I think we'll do lunch again real soon. :)

The way I see it

... having realized the book was not where she'd left it Jenny proceeded into the living room to continue looking. It was not on the coffee table or in the couch or on the floor or on the shelf, but on her desk next to a half empty cup of tea. She picked it up and began reading it once again...

I don't see life how everyone else sees it. I see it as one giant script with characters and a plot and a specific formula for how relationships and certain situations should work. Everything has to have a certain amount of comedy and a certain amount of drama or it's not worth going through. Movies are not life. Books are not life. No form of media is ever even 50% accurate in terms of how it portrays life. My life, however likes to follow the laws of a good plot or so it seems. I don't think the way you think and I don't see things the way you see them; my mind works differently from yours. I see people having fun while I miss out and I automatically assume that what I'm missing out on is far better than it actually is. I don't think anyone except the select few who think the way I do will ever be able to fully understand me. I am a glass half empty person who tends to assume the worst. I am an emotionally restricted person who for one reason or another never cries, especially in front of people. I am not spontaneous though I'd like to be and I'm really bad when it comes to talking about certain things. I am the average person, though I like to admit, a little weird too, and i make all the same mistakes everyone else does. I have eyebrows with minds of their own that are currently set to don't not attack mode  and I need a new teddy bear. Details on that last sentence are reserved for those who care enough to already have an idea of what it means. Basically, what I'm saying is that I am very much my own person and forgive me for this, but there are very few people who will actually ever understand me and who I will actually ever understand. Like I said, I see people as characters and their lives as back stories. I see life as a series of chapters in a book and scenes in a movie. My view of reality is distorted though some may say it is a gift. Next time I see you it may or may not be me. It could be one version of me; a version from an earlier chapter or perhaps a more mature version you have not yet met. I don't know who I channel on a daily basis or what experiences I'm calling upon because i write my script with every step and every word as they come. I can't rewind and I can't fast forward so I just have to let life play and once I finally get to the last scene I'm sure it will be one to remember. 

it starts in my toes...

I can't feel my feet. I can smell them but I can't feel them. That means it was a good run. 

In summation!

You can't even begin to imagine what is going thru my mind right now. So much has gone down in the last few days both on a national and personal level it's absolutely incredible. History was made when Barack Obama beat McCain in the 2008 presidential election and by voting I am forever a part of history. At the same time Proposition 8 was passed in california which is a major setback in terms of civil rights and equality. I saw an amazing demonstration of pride in the courtyard of my dorm when my fellow students and I celebrated obama's victory with cheering dancing and just plain excitement. I am starting a project in my 2-D class that I am absolutely in love with and that I hope will turn out amazing. All I can say is that it is inspired by Rachael Yamagata's Elephants... Teeth Sinking into Heart. I can't wait to really get into it. I'm also a little worried about myself too because I am starting to not care about things that I probably should. Not going to elaborate but bottom line is I think I have to watch myself for a little while or I might make a big booboo. Yes, I just said booboo... deal with it. Also, I can't take it, I can't stand it, I can't deal with it, I can't I Can't I CAN'T.  Ok, off my chest a little but not really so you can deal with that too. I went for a run yesterday; you know, one of those I need to go for a run and since I need to clear my head and it's also raining I am actually going to do it run. So I ran about 2.5 miles yesterday on what is still (unfortunately) a gimp ankle and despite the fact that my back seized up on me towards the end it turned out pretty well. I breathed, I thought, I tried to clear my head and I think I actually felt really good afterwards, even if I felt a bit cold as well. Thank god for Rachael Yamagata by the way. If it weren't for her music I would probably keep everything bottled up inside all the time and never have anyone to relate to or make me feel better about myself. Shit. I'm studying for an Art History test right now too and it's going alright. This is the earliest we've ever finished our flashcards and there aren't too many this time so hopefully everything will go well tomorrow morning. everything. 

You ever tell someone something you wish you could take back? Ya, that'd be me on pretty much a daily basis. But seriously, what if someone didn't know something about you anymore, like you could completely wipe it from their memory and everything else would stay the same. Just wondering because I totally wish I could do that. Seriously... oh and when it comes to fucking up I rock at that. I sent an email to the wrong person this morning, yay me, and as far as texting you in the middle of your bio test goes... dude my bad I had no idea. Right, I've probably fucked some other things up this week too but have been too busy or distracted to notice so just let me know and I'll do what I can to make it right... promise. Ok so I'd better study now for real. More tomorrow or maybe later, who knows.

YES WE CAN!!!!

AND WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I can say is that Change really is coming and I am so excited to be able to say that I am a part of it!

now tell me how did you slip by

I think that within everyone there is always something we can't bring ourselves to do even though we know we should. For example, I have a friend who keeps going back to a guy who doesn't treat her well and doesn't respect her at all. I've told her not once, but multiple times that she needs to go balls to the wall and let him go but she just can't seem to do it. If you knew how many times I've had to sit with her while she cried I think you'd understand. The reason I bring this up is because  there is something I have to do. I don't want to do it, I need to do it. I have to or I will continue to beat myself up until I am nothing but blood and bones. I have to take a step back and examine everything. I have to look at my relationships with people and evaluate who it is that makes me happy and who is sucking me dry. If you know that you are my family you shouldn't be worried. If you know I'd rather sit in a pit of spiders than speak to you ever again you're probably not so safe. I guess what I mean is that I can't live with what I hope is there because it means I'm living on nothing. I have to take a big spoonful of reality and swallow it with my pride and say, "look, it's true, we've been friends for years but I'm only ever doing things for you. The give and take is non-existent and as far as you are concerned I have nothing left to give." That's the nice way of putting it , by the way. The not so nice way is, well, not so nice. hehe. My one attempt at humor in this bitter piece really isn't that funny. I think we should all stop taking our friends for granted because they are not going to be around for ever, at least, not all of them. Some will be around, that's only natural, but that's because they really are your friends. The truth is, most of us could live without a majority of the people with whom we spend our free time. I've gone off topic again... apologies. I don't know where I'm going anymore actually, I started writing out of anger and trailed into confusion before ending up entirely lost in what appears to be a throbbing headache of stress, dehydration, and a nagging sensation of what the hell did I do to fuck up this time. I suppose the point is I suck at life. I have friends I hate and friends who hate me. My work never seems good enough to me and I can't stand the thought of telling someone that I just can't do it anymore. I know I'll make it out; I know I'll get through it ok, It's just nice to have some guidance sometimes... especially when your guidance might save our friendship.

let me go.

Consider your teeth sunk in

I realize it’s been some time since I’ve given any serious thought to what I put on this page and I feel it is my duty to make this entry a meaningful one. I don’t mean meaningful as in profound or life altering, just meaningful as in something more than a quick note or song or video. The truth of the matter is that tomorrow something amazing will happen: we will have either a Black President in Barack Obama or (I hope to god this doesn’t happen) a female vice president in Sarah Palin. I have nothing against women but everything against someone with less foreign policy experience than my sister. Having done my duty and submitted an absentee ballot already I have taken part in this history making election and hopefully you have done or will do the same.

On a different note… a very different note, I have found that I am once again lost in my own head, contemplating life’s ifs, ands, and buts. Not one time have I escaped from myself alive and I expect this time to be no different so those of you with the ability to reach out and touch me I suggest you either temporarily back away to a safe viewing distance or hold me tight and never let me go because this ride is going to be intense. Perhaps intensifying the situation is the fact that I am rapidly approaching another major transitioning period in which I leave college and go home for a month and a half leaving those with whom I’ve become friends behind. I truly believe you develop stronger bonds when you experience something new together which means that I am more tightly bound to my college friends than I ever could be with my high school buddies… even if I am closer to them. I’ve had certain experiences here that simply cannot be understood by anyone not directly involved in the situation and when I leave and my stressors pile up and I crash no one will understand why. Yes, some of it is left over from before I ever got here ad some of it relates to back home as well but it still will not be the same. It’s like the saying “you can’t step into the same river twice”. With everything new there is something old and something that can never change but as with everything in the future, it will be what we make it. Right now, I’d say my future looks bright and despite the occasional flicker I don’t think it’ll get dark anytime soon. All that being said, I hope your days are as good as mine and that when you come crashing down you have someone to catch you… if you are worried about that then consider my arms your safety net. It’s the least I can do, really. If no one catches me I can at least make sure you don’t land on your face too. Nobody likes to see more than one person bloodied and broken though they’d rather not see anyone hurt at all. And by the way, I love you.

Friendliest Friendliness Required

You ever notice how everyone classifies their friends into friends, best friends, acquaintances, family, lovers whatever etc... well I've noticed that there are even deeper subcategories within those. Seriously, like I've noticed that my best friends are the people that I hang out with and enjoy spending time with the most... obviously; however, I've found that only some of my best friends are the ones that I can cry in front of or flop down next to when I'm tired or feel like shit. This goes back to something I wrote about Aristotle around this time last year regarding his theory on useful friends and relationships versus a true friendship. When it comes down to it I think Aristotle combined with Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving perfectly describe relationships on all levels. That's just me though. But seriously, when you refer to A and B as your best friends you would expect them to be equal in nature, but they aren't. They are equal in the sense that you can talk to A about B and vice a versa, but you can't always go to B for a hug when you need it. You can however be blatantly honest and open with B but not with A. So here's the conundrum... who's the real best friend? Is there a real best friend or will both outlive their usefulness once a true best friend comes along. If I recall correctly (and I most likely don't) Aristotle said something along the lines of a true friendship entails never having to ask for help and never needing to suggest getting it. Everything is understood and the give and take is virtually non existent. They way I see it, according to Aristotle's definition, I've never had any friends and neither have you for that matter. So should I just consider myself friendless and go on living in this crazy world of usefulness vs. nonusefulness or should I tell Aristotle to go fuck himself because I believe that I do have real and true friends? 

I'll answer that question with a question for my friends: Why do you spend time with me? Is it because there is an unspoken bond or is it because I provide something you need such as directions, a ride, leadership, family, someone to lean on, a printer, a tv, a bodyguard, a laugh, an outlet...?