1:26 AM

Insomnia has become my muse. It has become a time during which I see and hear things to which I would not ordinarily be privy. It is during this time that I examine myself at the deepest, the most raw. I understand myself better. I understand my motives better. I allow myself to feel all that I compartmentalize only when no one else can see and no one else can hear. I cry. I cry for myself. And I cry for others. Alone and in the dark. I think more clearly. I speak more directly. To whom? To no one. To myself.

Curiosity. A desire to know more. A need to understand. It does not kill the cat but allows it to live fully in that moment, in the discovery of some new truth. If this is a lie then by all means, declare me dead, for my inquisitive mind will never be stopped. The answers to my questions lie waiting for my courage to take me to them. I'll never know the answers to what I cannot ask.

I've had one person in my heart and on my mind for a year. I miss someone so much it's starting to hurt. The only time it hurts saying goodbye is when I'm saying it to my dog. I don't let my emotions show for fear of showing the wrong one. I know where my home is, and it isn't here. Honesty.

I never address what I write here, but always, always I am writing to someone specific. Sometimes it is the whole piece and other times just a portion. I never know if the intended will read it. I never know if they do. I call it trust.

What I wish I could say...

If no one believes in you, how do you believe in yourself? I am helpless, worthless, faithless. Nothing I ever do is right. No one believes in me. In a room full of disappointments I am the biggest. I fuck up when things need to be perfect and I'm perfect when things need to be rough. Half the things I start never get finished. No one has faith in me. When everyone else's expectations are low, how do I keep mine high? I am unhappy, unhealthy. I bend to your wishes to make you happy and I'm asked to do more. You expect me than to always be there to help and to make you look good. You need me to be happy so I smile. You need me to agree so I agree. I hate it here. I don't want to stay. The sooner I can get away the better. I don't want your pity, I don't want you to like it, I just want your respect. I want you to believe in me and my decisions. I want you to accept what I tell you. I want you to listen completely, not selectively. Don't shoot down my dreams and aspirations. Stop telling me what I can't do. I hate that I have to justify everything with a reasoning you find acceptable. You can't just say, "that's awesome" but you're all too ready with "no fucking way." You've made it clear I'm the failure, you remind me all the time. I'm not as good, I'm not as smart, I'm not as hardworking, I'm not committed... It's not my fault you fucked up so stop taking it out on me. Your passive aggressiveness is less passive than you thought. I get it. I'm not fucking stupid. I can't fix what you fucking broke. You can't put it on me. I don't fucking want that responsibility. I've given up so much shit just so you might believe me and it hasn't worked in the slightest. Don't act like you fucking care. You just show an interest because it makes you feel better about yourself. I am so goddamn tired. I hope you realize that what you're doing now is only making things worse, making me feel even less important. Thank you for that. When all is said and done you'll be lucky just to get a phone call...

Now why can't I say this to the people who need to hear it?