1:26 AM

Insomnia has become my muse. It has become a time during which I see and hear things to which I would not ordinarily be privy. It is during this time that I examine myself at the deepest, the most raw. I understand myself better. I understand my motives better. I allow myself to feel all that I compartmentalize only when no one else can see and no one else can hear. I cry. I cry for myself. And I cry for others. Alone and in the dark. I think more clearly. I speak more directly. To whom? To no one. To myself.

Curiosity. A desire to know more. A need to understand. It does not kill the cat but allows it to live fully in that moment, in the discovery of some new truth. If this is a lie then by all means, declare me dead, for my inquisitive mind will never be stopped. The answers to my questions lie waiting for my courage to take me to them. I'll never know the answers to what I cannot ask.

I've had one person in my heart and on my mind for a year. I miss someone so much it's starting to hurt. The only time it hurts saying goodbye is when I'm saying it to my dog. I don't let my emotions show for fear of showing the wrong one. I know where my home is, and it isn't here. Honesty.

I never address what I write here, but always, always I am writing to someone specific. Sometimes it is the whole piece and other times just a portion. I never know if the intended will read it. I never know if they do. I call it trust.

What I wish I could say...

If no one believes in you, how do you believe in yourself? I am helpless, worthless, faithless. Nothing I ever do is right. No one believes in me. In a room full of disappointments I am the biggest. I fuck up when things need to be perfect and I'm perfect when things need to be rough. Half the things I start never get finished. No one has faith in me. When everyone else's expectations are low, how do I keep mine high? I am unhappy, unhealthy. I bend to your wishes to make you happy and I'm asked to do more. You expect me than to always be there to help and to make you look good. You need me to be happy so I smile. You need me to agree so I agree. I hate it here. I don't want to stay. The sooner I can get away the better. I don't want your pity, I don't want you to like it, I just want your respect. I want you to believe in me and my decisions. I want you to accept what I tell you. I want you to listen completely, not selectively. Don't shoot down my dreams and aspirations. Stop telling me what I can't do. I hate that I have to justify everything with a reasoning you find acceptable. You can't just say, "that's awesome" but you're all too ready with "no fucking way." You've made it clear I'm the failure, you remind me all the time. I'm not as good, I'm not as smart, I'm not as hardworking, I'm not committed... It's not my fault you fucked up so stop taking it out on me. Your passive aggressiveness is less passive than you thought. I get it. I'm not fucking stupid. I can't fix what you fucking broke. You can't put it on me. I don't fucking want that responsibility. I've given up so much shit just so you might believe me and it hasn't worked in the slightest. Don't act like you fucking care. You just show an interest because it makes you feel better about yourself. I am so goddamn tired. I hope you realize that what you're doing now is only making things worse, making me feel even less important. Thank you for that. When all is said and done you'll be lucky just to get a phone call...

Now why can't I say this to the people who need to hear it?

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of people telling me what to do or how to act. I'm tired of explaining things that are self explanatory. I'm tired of watching my friends lie down and take it when they should be standing up and fighting for themselves. I'm tired of people doubting my decisions and my choices. I'm tired of people having no faith in who I am or what I do. I'm tired of all of it. I'm tired of everything. I'm just plain tired.

There comes a point when you just can't take it anymore, when it all becomes too much. I have just reached that point. Perhaps it stems from having the best weekend of my life and then one of the most stressful weeks, and maybe all will be well again in a couple days. I don't know. What I do know is that right here, right now, I am done.

Last night one of my friends decided she was not happy with our decision to sit outside for dinner and expressed her unhappiness by bitching us out in front of the entire dining hall. Now, this friend is always loud and opinionated but she also always has to be the center of attention and she is under the impression she is always right. Why are we friends you ask? I have no idea. After her outburst I decided I wasn't going to deal with her shit and continued eating outside. My other friend, went in. I could be having a blast playing cards with them right now but instead I am in my room, by myself, writing. I don't want friends that don't know when to grow up or how to handle an innocent situation like an adult. I don't want to feel inferior every time I walk into a fucking room because I don't like penis. I'm tired of you talking about how much you love screwing your boyfriend and I am done wasting my time watching you pretend you're not a homophobe.

I can't stand being here. Not after last weekend in Tampa. I have never felt more alive and I have never had more fun than when I was with the Crew. Coming back to school was like walking back into the closet. I'm out. I've been out since april and I couldn't be happier about it but there is just something about being with your people that makes life even better and I don't have that here.

Here's the thing though, and I think this is the big thing in this situation. I cannot stand the idea of letting people down. If you know me I put more pressure on myself than anyone else ever could. I have a need to succeed and to make everyone around me happy while I do it. The thing is, I hate that people doubt me. I hate that some people don't have faith in me even when I've proven myself time and time again. Apparently ever since I started taking MMA grappling classes my mother has been concerned about my dropping out of school and my friends all think I'm going to drop out of college so I can move to LA and work on random projects here and there. What the hell am I doing wrong? Yes, I get passionate about things. Yes, I wish I could fight and study at the same time. Yes, I wish I was already working on films and making a living, but the bottom line is I've made my choices. I am here, I am studying, I haven't been to a grappling class since march, I gave up boxing to save money, I am doing extra work in school so I can take once in a lifetime internships. What the Fuck More do I need to do?

I know who I can count on, and I know who to ask if I need someone to tell me they're proud of me or that they support me, but that's not what I need. Not right now anyway. Right now I need to stop reacting to everything that is going on around me and just act for myself. I know I am smart. I know I am talented. I know what I am capable of and I damn well know that I am going to succeed in whatever I set my mind to. So you know what... Fuck you. Fuck all of you who doubt me. Fuck all of you who can't see me for who I am and who can't accept me for the same reasons. Fuck all of the hate and all of the pity. Fuck ignorance. Fuck it all.

You make me smile. Every day. That is all I need to know.

P'wned

please tell me how a person is supposed to react when someone they respect and look up to step's on their face. What good is listening to the words of the wise when the wise are the ones who prevent you from executing their own orders?

Inquisitive minds

I've come to find that there is a very sharp contrast between what you want and what you can get, what you desire and what you can achieve. Though I may not be readily armed with the best examples I believe each of us is capable of providing sufficient supporting evidence. It seems as though every time I turn a corner there is something new staring me back in the face. I see it. I want it. I discover that, at this time, it is not waiting there for me but making sure I pass by without stopping. I've gotten into the habit of slowing down as I pass by, taking a closer look at what it is that I want and why it is that I cannot have it. I've learned that some things are simply not meant to be had while others are meant to be passed by several times until the proper outcome has been reached. If I have learned, as I say I have, why then do I continue to stop and stare when I know the path my eyes follow leads nowhere? The answer is that everything in my path, whether significant or not, deserves attention simply for the reason that I can see it. Have you looked around yourself lately? Have you seen everything that has been placed in front of you? What significance does it hold? Have you studied it thoroughly before moving on?

I'm confused

I'm confused as to the type of friends I make and the people I surround myself with. For example, In one weekend I made friends with several new people to whom I will refer as "The Crew". I met The Crew in a chat room and we bonded and came together as one over a common interest. Oddly enough, I find that the people I'm friends with and spend the most time with are actually quite bad for me. One of my friends never has anything nice to say to me about anything and constantly tries to bring me down. It seems that the people who are the most supportive and the nicest are the ones I hardly see, or have never seen, in person. Why is that? Am I off-putting or something? Do I do something in person that turns people into assholes or do I just have bad luck? I just don't know.

FML

I cannot even begin to explain how bipolar I seem to have become over the last couple years. It seems as though all it takes anymore is one little action to either make or break my day or week. I always overreact and prematurely at that. I doubt myself, I doubt others, and I forget how lucky I am to be me. Some days you just want, need to be happy and it never happens. Those days are the worst. The days when everything is already going to shit are the ones when little things make us happy. The good days are when the little things hurt the most. Don't believe me?

Call me, don't call me

I have decided I am physically incapable of having a conversation on the phone. No matter who it is I'm talking to and no matter the duration, the conversation is always punctuated with long awkward pauses. I love words. Some even say I have a gift with words, but apparently this only applies when I am either writing or speaking to someone in person. What is this phone anxiety I have that prevents me from functioning properly? I have no fucking clue. If you've ever talked to me on the phone you know this is the truth and if you have yet to engage in a telephonic conversation with me I suggest you try it... just so you know what I'm referring to. ;) Seriously though, I'm sure I'm not the only person with telephone anxiety. I mean, really... what is there to worry me? They can hear me but they can't see what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if I look clean or have spinach in my teeth as long as I speak with some semblance of sanity it's all good. Wrong. I dial a number, the recipient answers, we say hello, how are you, and then silence. Between topics I stop. I am completely silent. Then something interesting comes up. then silence. All the while I have no idea what is going through the other person's head. Are they wondering why I can't talk? Am I distracted by something? Do they think I'm a creeper? Why aren't they breaking the silence? Should I say goodbye and end the suffering for both of us?

If anyone knows how to improve my telephone skills the help would be greatly appreciated.

<3

Fluorescent converse... total awesomeness!

To whom it may concern

Specifically someone from california who reads this from time to time. No, I do not know who you are... I know people in california but I have no way of knowing which californian you are or if you're even one that I know. Weird yes but it intrigues me that with a little bit of html code one can suddenly go big brother on everyone else. Well, not really but sort of. The point is, leave me a comment next time you stop by... anyone for that matter, leave me a comment. I'd love to know why you read what I write, even if you just accidentally found the page. 

Sick

The thought process is an interesting one. Oftentimes, our thoughts aren't even cohesive; jumping from one thought to the next without any specific reason. Take this process and add words to it and there my writing you will find. I tend not to write about a specific instance or item but pick something that's been on my mind and then follow that thought train wherever it takes me. Looking back I can see what I meant or how I meant it but in the moment I wrote it I wasn't planning on it sounding the way it does. I have a very strong feeling I will look back on that last sentence and wonder where my grammar went. I'm at a loss yet again. I am never at a loss for thought but at a loss of words. I have failed to negotiate how to describe my thoughts; how to describe them accurately without delving too deep into details I'm certain I don't want to reveal. And now your mind needs to remove itself from the gutter and dust itself off. Here, I'll give you a moment. You ok now? Good. 

Where was I? Oh, yes, the cohesiveness of thought. I no longer care about that. I care that some perverted video game developer in Japan released a game called Rapelay where you stalk a woman and her daughters and rape them among other things. Who is that disturbed? It makes me sick to think that people are even buying this game. The line involving video game violence has not just been crossed but completely shattered. 

You may think I am slightly contradictory in my views about violence because I love and participate in a sport most commonly known as cage-fighting, but an internationally recognized combat sport with rules and regulations and consent forms is far different. 

I'm sorry, I feel as though this has gotten dark. I'm not sure how to brighten the mood though. A joke? An anecdote maybe? Something completely embarrassing that I did? I'm not sure where to begin the bright and happy crap. Screw it, I am drawing a blank... this time on thoughts, not words. You can't have words without thoughts therefore if you're drawing a blank on thoughts you're just shit out of luck. :) Happy Monday!

I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

Me Muero Por Besarte

No eligimos de quien nos amoramos. 

Ya, I've been watching a lot of television shows from spain in order to remind myself that I can speak the language. My friends find it both annoying and amusing that I've started addressing them in spanglish. They are mostly amused with the fact that I can say dirty things in another language. Needless to say, I'm finding it very useful and can I just say that I'd forgotten how much more beautiful things sound in spanish than in english. 

In other news, I feel better. Not like I was sick and now I'm not but I just feel better. I'm happier healthier and whatnot. So... 

A friend of mine is learning to do tarot card readings and I let him do mine the other day. Gotta say, just a little bit freaky. He decided to do a reading on my "love life" because they are the easiest to do. Needless to say there were some mighty awkward similarities. First card said there was someone who I really liked, true. Second card said that the major challenge had to do with authority, also true. The cards went on to practically parallel the situation at hand and the best possible outcome is that I end up with this person. I don't actually believe in tarot readings but I have to say it was pretty cool in the moment. 

That is all I have to say for now. Adios. 

If your goal was to break me

then I hate to say, you've succeeded. What response is there to a lack of response? How does one react to nothing exactly? When you refuse to act I cannot react, except to nothing. That nothing then becomes a very significant something to which I don't know how to react. When you are passionate about something and suddenly it no longer exists shouldn't you feel something? If you are attached to a pet and it dies, you get sad or angry. If you love the game and succeed at it you feel proud and happy. So how are you supposed to feel about nothing... the absence of something. Does the intensity of the resultant feelings have to match the intensity of the initial? I can't even begin to explain what the hell I mean because the story is long and the words are large and I did not sleep last night. Thank you Nina and company for pulling a pointless all-nighter because whatever you worked on obviously isn't due today since you didn't go to class. Today is not the day to get on my bad side. Where are all these people who are supposedly good and honest and kind? Where are they huh? I can't find them. I'll admit I've tried to be one of them on more than one occasion but continually fail due to lack of motivation. 

I could be good, would be good for you, you know. You don't care though, at all. No one cares whether I make a difference today or tomorrow as long as I intend to at some point in my life. Never have I been this confused about something so small. All the "Whys" in the world seem to float over my head right now. Why then? Why now? Why was it so crazy? Why did I care? Why did it start one way and end another? Why does the plot have all this pre-climactic build only to fizzle out when we think it's going to get good? 

Not knowing kills me and I know I've said that before. I can't stand it. I am one of those people who has to have a reason behind things. I can't accept certain things for what they are because I know there is some driving force behind them and perhaps that force is undefined. Maybe some things are truly inexplicable but I still can't let them go. I learn from my mistakes. I move forward but I never forget. I really can't help it this time. It was so strange, so sudden, and so devastating; so incredible, so amazing, and so intense; so simple, so hurtful, and so empty. 

I'm lost. 

waiting

Everyone says that there's no time like the present... you know, to take action and what not. Well, what about when you take action and then have to wait for the result. Like when you send an email and have to wait for the response, or when you apply for a job and have to wait for the call. Waiting things out is the bitch of it all. Only when it's actually worth the wait does it lose it's edge. I am confusing myself right now so... I'll go back to watching spanish television shows on youtube. :)

lonely

It's been awhile, I realize, since I've taken the time to actually write something with substance that is more than a couple sentences long. I make no guarantees, however, I think this time I might actually have something to say. I tend to have very unusual dreams and have recently started documenting the parts that I can remember, the strange thing is, when I look up certain objects or themes on dream dictionary they actually make perfect sense in regards to what's going on. For example, the other night I had a dream about eating a shit-ton of macaroni. Dreaming about Macaroni means that I need to be more frugal and save money and be more conscious about the economy. How does that relate to my waking life? Well, I am in desperate need of a job so that I can afford to pay for school supplies (Art school is expensive bitches!) and keep the one thing that keeps me sane right now: Boxing. That's right, I'm worried about being able to afford things and my dreams are telling me to be frugal and save... weird, or maybe not. 

As for the boxing, well, it keeps me focused and clear headed. I love it and if I could train my jiu-jitsu here as well I would. 

Back to being on the brink of losing something that keeps me in line, I feel like I'm losing people, friends and mentors. This summer was amazing and up until right around the Holidays I had this abundance of people around me who made life so much more interesting. Lately I feel like more and more are disappearing. Someone I really look up to never speaks to me. Someone who's blogs opened my eyes to new things, never writes anymore. Someone I thought was my good friend apparently isn't and maybe never was. I miss someone I hardly even knew and I'm worried I lost them for good. My friends are back home and text and call less and less and my friends here spend all their time asleep. Don't get me wrong, I value alone time as much as the next person but feeling alone all the time is not a cool thing. I can't even cuddle with my dog or cat because they're not at college with me. :(

Sorry for the somber bitter attitude... I need to lighten up. I think I'll probably be writing a lot more now, especially if I have to quit boxing. I might just fall apart. I come across as strong to a lot of people but it's how I protect myself when I know I'm not. The stronger I seem, the weaker I am don't let me fool you.

Hit or miss

Someone posed this question to me the other day and I have to say it interests me as well: How can you miss someone you didn't even know? I'm going to insert this into the Familiarity and Physiognomy video I'm working on so if y'all have any suggestions or opinions let me know.