I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

The way I see it

... having realized the book was not where she'd left it Jenny proceeded into the living room to continue looking. It was not on the coffee table or in the couch or on the floor or on the shelf, but on her desk next to a half empty cup of tea. She picked it up and began reading it once again...

I don't see life how everyone else sees it. I see it as one giant script with characters and a plot and a specific formula for how relationships and certain situations should work. Everything has to have a certain amount of comedy and a certain amount of drama or it's not worth going through. Movies are not life. Books are not life. No form of media is ever even 50% accurate in terms of how it portrays life. My life, however likes to follow the laws of a good plot or so it seems. I don't think the way you think and I don't see things the way you see them; my mind works differently from yours. I see people having fun while I miss out and I automatically assume that what I'm missing out on is far better than it actually is. I don't think anyone except the select few who think the way I do will ever be able to fully understand me. I am a glass half empty person who tends to assume the worst. I am an emotionally restricted person who for one reason or another never cries, especially in front of people. I am not spontaneous though I'd like to be and I'm really bad when it comes to talking about certain things. I am the average person, though I like to admit, a little weird too, and i make all the same mistakes everyone else does. I have eyebrows with minds of their own that are currently set to don't not attack mode  and I need a new teddy bear. Details on that last sentence are reserved for those who care enough to already have an idea of what it means. Basically, what I'm saying is that I am very much my own person and forgive me for this, but there are very few people who will actually ever understand me and who I will actually ever understand. Like I said, I see people as characters and their lives as back stories. I see life as a series of chapters in a book and scenes in a movie. My view of reality is distorted though some may say it is a gift. Next time I see you it may or may not be me. It could be one version of me; a version from an earlier chapter or perhaps a more mature version you have not yet met. I don't know who I channel on a daily basis or what experiences I'm calling upon because i write my script with every step and every word as they come. I can't rewind and I can't fast forward so I just have to let life play and once I finally get to the last scene I'm sure it will be one to remember. 

Consider your teeth sunk in

I realize it’s been some time since I’ve given any serious thought to what I put on this page and I feel it is my duty to make this entry a meaningful one. I don’t mean meaningful as in profound or life altering, just meaningful as in something more than a quick note or song or video. The truth of the matter is that tomorrow something amazing will happen: we will have either a Black President in Barack Obama or (I hope to god this doesn’t happen) a female vice president in Sarah Palin. I have nothing against women but everything against someone with less foreign policy experience than my sister. Having done my duty and submitted an absentee ballot already I have taken part in this history making election and hopefully you have done or will do the same.

On a different note… a very different note, I have found that I am once again lost in my own head, contemplating life’s ifs, ands, and buts. Not one time have I escaped from myself alive and I expect this time to be no different so those of you with the ability to reach out and touch me I suggest you either temporarily back away to a safe viewing distance or hold me tight and never let me go because this ride is going to be intense. Perhaps intensifying the situation is the fact that I am rapidly approaching another major transitioning period in which I leave college and go home for a month and a half leaving those with whom I’ve become friends behind. I truly believe you develop stronger bonds when you experience something new together which means that I am more tightly bound to my college friends than I ever could be with my high school buddies… even if I am closer to them. I’ve had certain experiences here that simply cannot be understood by anyone not directly involved in the situation and when I leave and my stressors pile up and I crash no one will understand why. Yes, some of it is left over from before I ever got here ad some of it relates to back home as well but it still will not be the same. It’s like the saying “you can’t step into the same river twice”. With everything new there is something old and something that can never change but as with everything in the future, it will be what we make it. Right now, I’d say my future looks bright and despite the occasional flicker I don’t think it’ll get dark anytime soon. All that being said, I hope your days are as good as mine and that when you come crashing down you have someone to catch you… if you are worried about that then consider my arms your safety net. It’s the least I can do, really. If no one catches me I can at least make sure you don’t land on your face too. Nobody likes to see more than one person bloodied and broken though they’d rather not see anyone hurt at all. And by the way, I love you.

I'm a Toys R Us Kid!

Yet, I really need to grow up. It's terrible. I think I pretty much suck at life right now though, I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to rock at it at 18. I know I've done a lot of growing up over the past few years but there are a few things I just can't seem to get down. It's weird but I've always gotten along better with people several years older than me. I've always been able to talk to them more freely and I've found that their maturity compared to that of the people my age is quite refreshing. The only thing is that though I may want to be friends with these people, they don't have any interest in spending time with someone who isn't legally allowed to drink. It sucks. I mean, I totally get it, I don't really want to hang out with ten year olds and in some cases that is the age difference between me and the people I enjoy spending time with. I dunno. I just wish I was old enough for them to accept me because I know that half the time when we're talking they're wondering why on earth they're having this conversation with an 18 year old yet they continue because it's an intelligent insightful conversation that they are enjoying but at the end of the day they don't really want me around. I don't know what I'm trying to say. and I know that that sentence up there is jacked but I don't care. I guess it pretty much just sucks being 18 because the high schoolers are too young for you and everyone over 21 thinks you're too young for them. 

Who needs sleep?

"Can't sleep," I ask politely.
"No. I"m doing work though, actually."
"Oh, I'm doing this because I can't sleep. If I turn a light on to read, I might as well kiss sleep goodbye. There's nothing on tv, not that I watch much anyway but... that leaves me with this."
"You don't need a light to be on your computer?"
"Nope. :) The glow from the screen illuminates the keyboard."
"Oh."
"So, what are you working on?"
No answer... five minutes later, still no answer.

Maybe she's busy. Maybe she fell asleep. No you idiot, she probably doesn't want to talk to you because she doesn't like you. Oh! New comment!

"I'm just working on a bunch of different things, nothing specific."

"Oh, I see. Look, I'm really enjoying this, but if you don't want me to bother you anymore I can get off..."

"What? Oh, no it's fine. It's a distraction, a pleasant one at that. I really don't mind at all."

She minds, I know she minds. I wouldn't want to talk to me at 2 in the morning if I was doing work. I really should let her be... oh but I can't, I want to talk...

"Ok, but um, you know stop me at any time. So, it's 2:15, what does that make it where you are?"

"It's 1:15 here. Why aren't you sleeping again?"

"I just can't. I've always been a bit of an insomniac. you know what I wish though..."

"No, what?"

"I wish I could pull my truck out of the garage, drive to the end of the block, park and just chill in the bed, under the stars. I really wish I could."

"Why don't you then? It sounds nice to me too."

"My parents would freak if I just left in the middle of the night. The only time I can actually do that is when my friends are here and we stay up all night."

"Oh, I see. But I guess if you were out under the stars we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?"

"No, we wouldn't. Oh shit, my computer's about to die. Could we continue this tomorrow?"

"Sure thing. Good luck sleeping!"

"Thanks and good luck with your work."

That's a conversation I had a while ago with a friend of mine, the italics represent my though process. If you can't sleep and you can't think of anything to do, get in touch with me during the wee hours of the night. Chances are I'm still awake and I'm really quite reasonable during those hours.