There comes a point when you just can't take it anymore, when it all becomes too much. I have just reached that point. Perhaps it stems from having the best weekend of my life and then one of the most stressful weeks, and maybe all will be well again in a couple days. I don't know. What I do know is that right here, right now, I am done.
Last night one of my friends decided she was not happy with our decision to sit outside for dinner and expressed her unhappiness by bitching us out in front of the entire dining hall. Now, this friend is always loud and opinionated but she also always has to be the center of attention and she is under the impression she is always right. Why are we friends you ask? I have no idea. After her outburst I decided I wasn't going to deal with her shit and continued eating outside. My other friend, went in. I could be having a blast playing cards with them right now but instead I am in my room, by myself, writing. I don't want friends that don't know when to grow up or how to handle an innocent situation like an adult. I don't want to feel inferior every time I walk into a fucking room because I don't like penis. I'm tired of you talking about how much you love screwing your boyfriend and I am done wasting my time watching you pretend you're not a homophobe.
I can't stand being here. Not after last weekend in Tampa. I have never felt more alive and I have never had more fun than when I was with the Crew. Coming back to school was like walking back into the closet. I'm out. I've been out since april and I couldn't be happier about it but there is just something about being with your people that makes life even better and I don't have that here.
Here's the thing though, and I think this is the big thing in this situation. I cannot stand the idea of letting people down. If you know me I put more pressure on myself than anyone else ever could. I have a need to succeed and to make everyone around me happy while I do it. The thing is, I hate that people doubt me. I hate that some people don't have faith in me even when I've proven myself time and time again. Apparently ever since I started taking MMA grappling classes my mother has been concerned about my dropping out of school and my friends all think I'm going to drop out of college so I can move to LA and work on random projects here and there. What the hell am I doing wrong? Yes, I get passionate about things. Yes, I wish I could fight and study at the same time. Yes, I wish I was already working on films and making a living, but the bottom line is I've made my choices. I am here, I am studying, I haven't been to a grappling class since march, I gave up boxing to save money, I am doing extra work in school so I can take once in a lifetime internships. What the Fuck More do I need to do?
I know who I can count on, and I know who to ask if I need someone to tell me they're proud of me or that they support me, but that's not what I need. Not right now anyway. Right now I need to stop reacting to everything that is going on around me and just act for myself. I know I am smart. I know I am talented. I know what I am capable of and I damn well know that I am going to succeed in whatever I set my mind to. So you know what... Fuck you. Fuck all of you who doubt me. Fuck all of you who can't see me for who I am and who can't accept me for the same reasons. Fuck all of the hate and all of the pity. Fuck ignorance. Fuck it all.
