To whom it may concern

Specifically someone from california who reads this from time to time. No, I do not know who you are... I know people in california but I have no way of knowing which californian you are or if you're even one that I know. Weird yes but it intrigues me that with a little bit of html code one can suddenly go big brother on everyone else. Well, not really but sort of. The point is, leave me a comment next time you stop by... anyone for that matter, leave me a comment. I'd love to know why you read what I write, even if you just accidentally found the page. 

Sick

The thought process is an interesting one. Oftentimes, our thoughts aren't even cohesive; jumping from one thought to the next without any specific reason. Take this process and add words to it and there my writing you will find. I tend not to write about a specific instance or item but pick something that's been on my mind and then follow that thought train wherever it takes me. Looking back I can see what I meant or how I meant it but in the moment I wrote it I wasn't planning on it sounding the way it does. I have a very strong feeling I will look back on that last sentence and wonder where my grammar went. I'm at a loss yet again. I am never at a loss for thought but at a loss of words. I have failed to negotiate how to describe my thoughts; how to describe them accurately without delving too deep into details I'm certain I don't want to reveal. And now your mind needs to remove itself from the gutter and dust itself off. Here, I'll give you a moment. You ok now? Good. 

Where was I? Oh, yes, the cohesiveness of thought. I no longer care about that. I care that some perverted video game developer in Japan released a game called Rapelay where you stalk a woman and her daughters and rape them among other things. Who is that disturbed? It makes me sick to think that people are even buying this game. The line involving video game violence has not just been crossed but completely shattered. 

You may think I am slightly contradictory in my views about violence because I love and participate in a sport most commonly known as cage-fighting, but an internationally recognized combat sport with rules and regulations and consent forms is far different. 

I'm sorry, I feel as though this has gotten dark. I'm not sure how to brighten the mood though. A joke? An anecdote maybe? Something completely embarrassing that I did? I'm not sure where to begin the bright and happy crap. Screw it, I am drawing a blank... this time on thoughts, not words. You can't have words without thoughts therefore if you're drawing a blank on thoughts you're just shit out of luck. :) Happy Monday!

I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

Me Muero Por Besarte

No eligimos de quien nos amoramos. 

Ya, I've been watching a lot of television shows from spain in order to remind myself that I can speak the language. My friends find it both annoying and amusing that I've started addressing them in spanglish. They are mostly amused with the fact that I can say dirty things in another language. Needless to say, I'm finding it very useful and can I just say that I'd forgotten how much more beautiful things sound in spanish than in english. 

In other news, I feel better. Not like I was sick and now I'm not but I just feel better. I'm happier healthier and whatnot. So... 

A friend of mine is learning to do tarot card readings and I let him do mine the other day. Gotta say, just a little bit freaky. He decided to do a reading on my "love life" because they are the easiest to do. Needless to say there were some mighty awkward similarities. First card said there was someone who I really liked, true. Second card said that the major challenge had to do with authority, also true. The cards went on to practically parallel the situation at hand and the best possible outcome is that I end up with this person. I don't actually believe in tarot readings but I have to say it was pretty cool in the moment. 

That is all I have to say for now. Adios. 

If your goal was to break me

then I hate to say, you've succeeded. What response is there to a lack of response? How does one react to nothing exactly? When you refuse to act I cannot react, except to nothing. That nothing then becomes a very significant something to which I don't know how to react. When you are passionate about something and suddenly it no longer exists shouldn't you feel something? If you are attached to a pet and it dies, you get sad or angry. If you love the game and succeed at it you feel proud and happy. So how are you supposed to feel about nothing... the absence of something. Does the intensity of the resultant feelings have to match the intensity of the initial? I can't even begin to explain what the hell I mean because the story is long and the words are large and I did not sleep last night. Thank you Nina and company for pulling a pointless all-nighter because whatever you worked on obviously isn't due today since you didn't go to class. Today is not the day to get on my bad side. Where are all these people who are supposedly good and honest and kind? Where are they huh? I can't find them. I'll admit I've tried to be one of them on more than one occasion but continually fail due to lack of motivation. 

I could be good, would be good for you, you know. You don't care though, at all. No one cares whether I make a difference today or tomorrow as long as I intend to at some point in my life. Never have I been this confused about something so small. All the "Whys" in the world seem to float over my head right now. Why then? Why now? Why was it so crazy? Why did I care? Why did it start one way and end another? Why does the plot have all this pre-climactic build only to fizzle out when we think it's going to get good? 

Not knowing kills me and I know I've said that before. I can't stand it. I am one of those people who has to have a reason behind things. I can't accept certain things for what they are because I know there is some driving force behind them and perhaps that force is undefined. Maybe some things are truly inexplicable but I still can't let them go. I learn from my mistakes. I move forward but I never forget. I really can't help it this time. It was so strange, so sudden, and so devastating; so incredible, so amazing, and so intense; so simple, so hurtful, and so empty. 

I'm lost. 

waiting

Everyone says that there's no time like the present... you know, to take action and what not. Well, what about when you take action and then have to wait for the result. Like when you send an email and have to wait for the response, or when you apply for a job and have to wait for the call. Waiting things out is the bitch of it all. Only when it's actually worth the wait does it lose it's edge. I am confusing myself right now so... I'll go back to watching spanish television shows on youtube. :)