Ideation

This is where my personal stuff ends and the Class Required Stuff begins. I don't care if you look at the other stuff, I'm just clarifying and separating.

Gone Baby Gone

If you want me gone, I'm gone.

I don't have to love you.

I don't have to care about you.

I choose to.

Because I'm a good person.

Because...

I've got your back.

I've got your back.

I've got your back.

Because I'm a good man in a storm.

A storm I weather Alone.

Alone.

Too late, I'm gone now.

If you want me gone, I'm gone.

Sometimes I'd like to give up. But I don't. I guess that's something

relapse

The darkness comes again, only this time there's no end in sight.

Earth Hour Musings

The desire to run is back again. This nagging feeling deep inside telling me to jump in my truck and drive until things are better. I want to go, to be gone, to be able to act without thinking. I'm restless. I can't focus, can't concentrate. I just want to be able to do what is asked without having to first beat myself into submission. I have no allies, no friends or confidantes. I have only myself to talk to and yes, i do it often. I crave structure and yet long to break every mold. I am indeed that which must overcome itself. The overman is me. The only battles i've lost have been with myself and yet my desire to avenge those losses still lingers. I have no place, no distinct home. I long to be both everywhere and nowhere at the same time, running toward my greatest desires and from my greatest fears. Though i see clearly what i want the future to hold i know absolutely what it does not. I am neither a pawn to be played nor the master strategist, I am simply the player making the best moves I can. This moment is my past, present and future all rolled into one. I'm taking what is done and making it what could be. Today though, i just want one simple thing: A smile. It can say so much without saying anything at all and if it's from someone in particular it can speak volumes.

1:26 AM

Insomnia has become my muse. It has become a time during which I see and hear things to which I would not ordinarily be privy. It is during this time that I examine myself at the deepest, the most raw. I understand myself better. I understand my motives better. I allow myself to feel all that I compartmentalize only when no one else can see and no one else can hear. I cry. I cry for myself. And I cry for others. Alone and in the dark. I think more clearly. I speak more directly. To whom? To no one. To myself.

Curiosity. A desire to know more. A need to understand. It does not kill the cat but allows it to live fully in that moment, in the discovery of some new truth. If this is a lie then by all means, declare me dead, for my inquisitive mind will never be stopped. The answers to my questions lie waiting for my courage to take me to them. I'll never know the answers to what I cannot ask.

I've had one person in my heart and on my mind for a year. I miss someone so much it's starting to hurt. The only time it hurts saying goodbye is when I'm saying it to my dog. I don't let my emotions show for fear of showing the wrong one. I know where my home is, and it isn't here. Honesty.

I never address what I write here, but always, always I am writing to someone specific. Sometimes it is the whole piece and other times just a portion. I never know if the intended will read it. I never know if they do. I call it trust.

What I wish I could say...

If no one believes in you, how do you believe in yourself? I am helpless, worthless, faithless. Nothing I ever do is right. No one believes in me. In a room full of disappointments I am the biggest. I fuck up when things need to be perfect and I'm perfect when things need to be rough. Half the things I start never get finished. No one has faith in me. When everyone else's expectations are low, how do I keep mine high? I am unhappy, unhealthy. I bend to your wishes to make you happy and I'm asked to do more. You expect me than to always be there to help and to make you look good. You need me to be happy so I smile. You need me to agree so I agree. I hate it here. I don't want to stay. The sooner I can get away the better. I don't want your pity, I don't want you to like it, I just want your respect. I want you to believe in me and my decisions. I want you to accept what I tell you. I want you to listen completely, not selectively. Don't shoot down my dreams and aspirations. Stop telling me what I can't do. I hate that I have to justify everything with a reasoning you find acceptable. You can't just say, "that's awesome" but you're all too ready with "no fucking way." You've made it clear I'm the failure, you remind me all the time. I'm not as good, I'm not as smart, I'm not as hardworking, I'm not committed... It's not my fault you fucked up so stop taking it out on me. Your passive aggressiveness is less passive than you thought. I get it. I'm not fucking stupid. I can't fix what you fucking broke. You can't put it on me. I don't fucking want that responsibility. I've given up so much shit just so you might believe me and it hasn't worked in the slightest. Don't act like you fucking care. You just show an interest because it makes you feel better about yourself. I am so goddamn tired. I hope you realize that what you're doing now is only making things worse, making me feel even less important. Thank you for that. When all is said and done you'll be lucky just to get a phone call...

Now why can't I say this to the people who need to hear it?