Gone Baby Gone

If you want me gone, I'm gone.

I don't have to love you.

I don't have to care about you.

I choose to.

Because I'm a good person.

Because...

I've got your back.

I've got your back.

I've got your back.

Because I'm a good man in a storm.

A storm I weather Alone.

Alone.

Too late, I'm gone now.

If you want me gone, I'm gone.

Sometimes I'd like to give up. But I don't. I guess that's something

relapse

The darkness comes again, only this time there's no end in sight.

Earth Hour Musings

The desire to run is back again. This nagging feeling deep inside telling me to jump in my truck and drive until things are better. I want to go, to be gone, to be able to act without thinking. I'm restless. I can't focus, can't concentrate. I just want to be able to do what is asked without having to first beat myself into submission. I have no allies, no friends or confidantes. I have only myself to talk to and yes, i do it often. I crave structure and yet long to break every mold. I am indeed that which must overcome itself. The overman is me. The only battles i've lost have been with myself and yet my desire to avenge those losses still lingers. I have no place, no distinct home. I long to be both everywhere and nowhere at the same time, running toward my greatest desires and from my greatest fears. Though i see clearly what i want the future to hold i know absolutely what it does not. I am neither a pawn to be played nor the master strategist, I am simply the player making the best moves I can. This moment is my past, present and future all rolled into one. I'm taking what is done and making it what could be. Today though, i just want one simple thing: A smile. It can say so much without saying anything at all and if it's from someone in particular it can speak volumes.

1:26 AM

Insomnia has become my muse. It has become a time during which I see and hear things to which I would not ordinarily be privy. It is during this time that I examine myself at the deepest, the most raw. I understand myself better. I understand my motives better. I allow myself to feel all that I compartmentalize only when no one else can see and no one else can hear. I cry. I cry for myself. And I cry for others. Alone and in the dark. I think more clearly. I speak more directly. To whom? To no one. To myself.

Curiosity. A desire to know more. A need to understand. It does not kill the cat but allows it to live fully in that moment, in the discovery of some new truth. If this is a lie then by all means, declare me dead, for my inquisitive mind will never be stopped. The answers to my questions lie waiting for my courage to take me to them. I'll never know the answers to what I cannot ask.

I've had one person in my heart and on my mind for a year. I miss someone so much it's starting to hurt. The only time it hurts saying goodbye is when I'm saying it to my dog. I don't let my emotions show for fear of showing the wrong one. I know where my home is, and it isn't here. Honesty.

I never address what I write here, but always, always I am writing to someone specific. Sometimes it is the whole piece and other times just a portion. I never know if the intended will read it. I never know if they do. I call it trust.

What I wish I could say...

If no one believes in you, how do you believe in yourself? I am helpless, worthless, faithless. Nothing I ever do is right. No one believes in me. In a room full of disappointments I am the biggest. I fuck up when things need to be perfect and I'm perfect when things need to be rough. Half the things I start never get finished. No one has faith in me. When everyone else's expectations are low, how do I keep mine high? I am unhappy, unhealthy. I bend to your wishes to make you happy and I'm asked to do more. You expect me than to always be there to help and to make you look good. You need me to be happy so I smile. You need me to agree so I agree. I hate it here. I don't want to stay. The sooner I can get away the better. I don't want your pity, I don't want you to like it, I just want your respect. I want you to believe in me and my decisions. I want you to accept what I tell you. I want you to listen completely, not selectively. Don't shoot down my dreams and aspirations. Stop telling me what I can't do. I hate that I have to justify everything with a reasoning you find acceptable. You can't just say, "that's awesome" but you're all too ready with "no fucking way." You've made it clear I'm the failure, you remind me all the time. I'm not as good, I'm not as smart, I'm not as hardworking, I'm not committed... It's not my fault you fucked up so stop taking it out on me. Your passive aggressiveness is less passive than you thought. I get it. I'm not fucking stupid. I can't fix what you fucking broke. You can't put it on me. I don't fucking want that responsibility. I've given up so much shit just so you might believe me and it hasn't worked in the slightest. Don't act like you fucking care. You just show an interest because it makes you feel better about yourself. I am so goddamn tired. I hope you realize that what you're doing now is only making things worse, making me feel even less important. Thank you for that. When all is said and done you'll be lucky just to get a phone call...

Now why can't I say this to the people who need to hear it?

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of people telling me what to do or how to act. I'm tired of explaining things that are self explanatory. I'm tired of watching my friends lie down and take it when they should be standing up and fighting for themselves. I'm tired of people doubting my decisions and my choices. I'm tired of people having no faith in who I am or what I do. I'm tired of all of it. I'm tired of everything. I'm just plain tired.

There comes a point when you just can't take it anymore, when it all becomes too much. I have just reached that point. Perhaps it stems from having the best weekend of my life and then one of the most stressful weeks, and maybe all will be well again in a couple days. I don't know. What I do know is that right here, right now, I am done.

Last night one of my friends decided she was not happy with our decision to sit outside for dinner and expressed her unhappiness by bitching us out in front of the entire dining hall. Now, this friend is always loud and opinionated but she also always has to be the center of attention and she is under the impression she is always right. Why are we friends you ask? I have no idea. After her outburst I decided I wasn't going to deal with her shit and continued eating outside. My other friend, went in. I could be having a blast playing cards with them right now but instead I am in my room, by myself, writing. I don't want friends that don't know when to grow up or how to handle an innocent situation like an adult. I don't want to feel inferior every time I walk into a fucking room because I don't like penis. I'm tired of you talking about how much you love screwing your boyfriend and I am done wasting my time watching you pretend you're not a homophobe.

I can't stand being here. Not after last weekend in Tampa. I have never felt more alive and I have never had more fun than when I was with the Crew. Coming back to school was like walking back into the closet. I'm out. I've been out since april and I couldn't be happier about it but there is just something about being with your people that makes life even better and I don't have that here.

Here's the thing though, and I think this is the big thing in this situation. I cannot stand the idea of letting people down. If you know me I put more pressure on myself than anyone else ever could. I have a need to succeed and to make everyone around me happy while I do it. The thing is, I hate that people doubt me. I hate that some people don't have faith in me even when I've proven myself time and time again. Apparently ever since I started taking MMA grappling classes my mother has been concerned about my dropping out of school and my friends all think I'm going to drop out of college so I can move to LA and work on random projects here and there. What the hell am I doing wrong? Yes, I get passionate about things. Yes, I wish I could fight and study at the same time. Yes, I wish I was already working on films and making a living, but the bottom line is I've made my choices. I am here, I am studying, I haven't been to a grappling class since march, I gave up boxing to save money, I am doing extra work in school so I can take once in a lifetime internships. What the Fuck More do I need to do?

I know who I can count on, and I know who to ask if I need someone to tell me they're proud of me or that they support me, but that's not what I need. Not right now anyway. Right now I need to stop reacting to everything that is going on around me and just act for myself. I know I am smart. I know I am talented. I know what I am capable of and I damn well know that I am going to succeed in whatever I set my mind to. So you know what... Fuck you. Fuck all of you who doubt me. Fuck all of you who can't see me for who I am and who can't accept me for the same reasons. Fuck all of the hate and all of the pity. Fuck ignorance. Fuck it all.