I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

If your goal was to break me

then I hate to say, you've succeeded. What response is there to a lack of response? How does one react to nothing exactly? When you refuse to act I cannot react, except to nothing. That nothing then becomes a very significant something to which I don't know how to react. When you are passionate about something and suddenly it no longer exists shouldn't you feel something? If you are attached to a pet and it dies, you get sad or angry. If you love the game and succeed at it you feel proud and happy. So how are you supposed to feel about nothing... the absence of something. Does the intensity of the resultant feelings have to match the intensity of the initial? I can't even begin to explain what the hell I mean because the story is long and the words are large and I did not sleep last night. Thank you Nina and company for pulling a pointless all-nighter because whatever you worked on obviously isn't due today since you didn't go to class. Today is not the day to get on my bad side. Where are all these people who are supposedly good and honest and kind? Where are they huh? I can't find them. I'll admit I've tried to be one of them on more than one occasion but continually fail due to lack of motivation. 

I could be good, would be good for you, you know. You don't care though, at all. No one cares whether I make a difference today or tomorrow as long as I intend to at some point in my life. Never have I been this confused about something so small. All the "Whys" in the world seem to float over my head right now. Why then? Why now? Why was it so crazy? Why did I care? Why did it start one way and end another? Why does the plot have all this pre-climactic build only to fizzle out when we think it's going to get good? 

Not knowing kills me and I know I've said that before. I can't stand it. I am one of those people who has to have a reason behind things. I can't accept certain things for what they are because I know there is some driving force behind them and perhaps that force is undefined. Maybe some things are truly inexplicable but I still can't let them go. I learn from my mistakes. I move forward but I never forget. I really can't help it this time. It was so strange, so sudden, and so devastating; so incredible, so amazing, and so intense; so simple, so hurtful, and so empty. 

I'm lost. 

I HATE Airports

I HATE AIRPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
First thing's first: having a seven hour layover in the Newark Airport sucks ASS! phew... ok out of my system (NOT!) They won't let us into the presidents club because my dad isn't with us and apparently his lifetime membership that they gave him like twenty years ago doesn't apply to his immediate family unless he's present. Needless to say I had one of those moments where I visualize myself jumping the counter and smashing the attendant's face into the computer only to realize a half second later that I'd only imagined doing it and walk glumly down the stairs to join the rest of the common folk. Yes, it's a tangent and yes I'm aware my grammar went in all kinds of weird and incorrect directions but I've been up since well, for most of you, yesterday night so I really don't give a rat's ass about my grammar or lack thereof. I did just use thereof though so that's got to count for something. Scotland, all in all, was pretty awesome and no, I didn't blog everyday like I said I would. I also didn't include very much detail when i did blog because, let's face it, I suck at writing about places I visit. It's one of those "you had to be there" kind of things. I mean, things will happen during the day that I'm sure are going to be hilarious later and then when I sit down to write them I say to myself, "Well Fuck, that wasn't that funny after all."

So there you have it... I'm stuck in an airport with nothing interesting to do. I considered stealing one of the courtesy cart things but getting detained won't help to expedite my travel so... :P. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just screamed a little bit inside. you really needed to know that I'm sure.

My thought process is slowing down meaning, I think, that my Starbucks frozen thingy that I'm pretty sure I stole from someone else is wearing off. Before you accuse me of petty theft and disown me I need to clarify that the lady handed me two drinks and shoved me out of the way so i just left. I only ordered an iced tea but I ended up with that and my frozen coffee thing so I drank them both to keep from keeling over and went on my hyperactive merry way. 8D
I also have some Scottish sugar cubes in my bag... I think I'll eat those and see what happens. For those of you that know me well, and those of you that don't, I'm bound to get into a wee bit of mischief now! Mwahahaha!

Toodles!

xoxo
E

This was meant for yesterday

You ever wake up in the morning and just feel good? I don't mean feel good because something happened the night before or because you know something is gonna happen today, but good for no apparent reason. You get up, eat your breakfast, whatever that may be (for me that's frozen waffles and I mean frozen!) and read the paper. Then, despite the random twinges in your neck, you get ready for work. You hop in your truck (or car :P) and roll down the window while you listen to a mix at full blast. You do some singing and even a little car dancing cuz hey, you feel good and who cares what they think. I don't get it, but why should I have to? I've felt extremely guilty the past couple days all because I wanted to see if a DIY (do it yourself) method of tattooing actually worked. I swear to god, I am never looking up any DIYs ever again because I'll be stupid enough to try them and then I'll have to live with the consequences. The thing is, I figured out how to give myself semi-permanent tattoos several years ago but they never lasted as long as I wanted. My mother would see them and roll her eyes but as long as they eventually disappeared she didn't care. Well, I thought maybe this would work in a similar fashion since my old method was quite similar, but that they'd last longer. I'm pretty sure it worked but now I don't know if it'll ever go away. It was pain free though and it's not swollen or anything bad so as far as that goes I'm good. I dunno. But seriously, DIYs are gonna kill me. Damn. That's a mood killer... that and sitting in an almost empty office because your boss decided to give himself the day off but had you come in anyway even though you can't do anything unless he's there!!! So stupid. Oh well, so it goes right? The way the cookie crumbles and whatnot? Stupid thing is staring me in the face, "Susan! Can I get a slice of cake in here please? I'm starving!"

Didn't really happen, though I wouldn't mind some cake right now... Speaking of food, that's one way I can justify my self-diagnosed OCD, well, other than the fact that I count my steps while running sprints at basketball practice, but I'll save that for a different day. I have pictures too. Actually, OCD would probably help explain why I had to see whether or not the tattoo thing worked; or maybe that's just an excuse. I'm feeling good again, like maybe today won't turn out to be boring as hell! OR maybe it will. I have no life, none at all. I can't wait to go to college next year.