If your goal was to break me

then I hate to say, you've succeeded. What response is there to a lack of response? How does one react to nothing exactly? When you refuse to act I cannot react, except to nothing. That nothing then becomes a very significant something to which I don't know how to react. When you are passionate about something and suddenly it no longer exists shouldn't you feel something? If you are attached to a pet and it dies, you get sad or angry. If you love the game and succeed at it you feel proud and happy. So how are you supposed to feel about nothing... the absence of something. Does the intensity of the resultant feelings have to match the intensity of the initial? I can't even begin to explain what the hell I mean because the story is long and the words are large and I did not sleep last night. Thank you Nina and company for pulling a pointless all-nighter because whatever you worked on obviously isn't due today since you didn't go to class. Today is not the day to get on my bad side. Where are all these people who are supposedly good and honest and kind? Where are they huh? I can't find them. I'll admit I've tried to be one of them on more than one occasion but continually fail due to lack of motivation. 

I could be good, would be good for you, you know. You don't care though, at all. No one cares whether I make a difference today or tomorrow as long as I intend to at some point in my life. Never have I been this confused about something so small. All the "Whys" in the world seem to float over my head right now. Why then? Why now? Why was it so crazy? Why did I care? Why did it start one way and end another? Why does the plot have all this pre-climactic build only to fizzle out when we think it's going to get good? 

Not knowing kills me and I know I've said that before. I can't stand it. I am one of those people who has to have a reason behind things. I can't accept certain things for what they are because I know there is some driving force behind them and perhaps that force is undefined. Maybe some things are truly inexplicable but I still can't let them go. I learn from my mistakes. I move forward but I never forget. I really can't help it this time. It was so strange, so sudden, and so devastating; so incredible, so amazing, and so intense; so simple, so hurtful, and so empty. 

I'm lost.