FML

I cannot even begin to explain how bipolar I seem to have become over the last couple years. It seems as though all it takes anymore is one little action to either make or break my day or week. I always overreact and prematurely at that. I doubt myself, I doubt others, and I forget how lucky I am to be me. Some days you just want, need to be happy and it never happens. Those days are the worst. The days when everything is already going to shit are the ones when little things make us happy. The good days are when the little things hurt the most. Don't believe me?

Call me, don't call me

I have decided I am physically incapable of having a conversation on the phone. No matter who it is I'm talking to and no matter the duration, the conversation is always punctuated with long awkward pauses. I love words. Some even say I have a gift with words, but apparently this only applies when I am either writing or speaking to someone in person. What is this phone anxiety I have that prevents me from functioning properly? I have no fucking clue. If you've ever talked to me on the phone you know this is the truth and if you have yet to engage in a telephonic conversation with me I suggest you try it... just so you know what I'm referring to. ;) Seriously though, I'm sure I'm not the only person with telephone anxiety. I mean, really... what is there to worry me? They can hear me but they can't see what I'm doing. It doesn't matter if I look clean or have spinach in my teeth as long as I speak with some semblance of sanity it's all good. Wrong. I dial a number, the recipient answers, we say hello, how are you, and then silence. Between topics I stop. I am completely silent. Then something interesting comes up. then silence. All the while I have no idea what is going through the other person's head. Are they wondering why I can't talk? Am I distracted by something? Do they think I'm a creeper? Why aren't they breaking the silence? Should I say goodbye and end the suffering for both of us?

If anyone knows how to improve my telephone skills the help would be greatly appreciated.

<3

Fluorescent converse... total awesomeness!

To whom it may concern

Specifically someone from california who reads this from time to time. No, I do not know who you are... I know people in california but I have no way of knowing which californian you are or if you're even one that I know. Weird yes but it intrigues me that with a little bit of html code one can suddenly go big brother on everyone else. Well, not really but sort of. The point is, leave me a comment next time you stop by... anyone for that matter, leave me a comment. I'd love to know why you read what I write, even if you just accidentally found the page. 

Sick

The thought process is an interesting one. Oftentimes, our thoughts aren't even cohesive; jumping from one thought to the next without any specific reason. Take this process and add words to it and there my writing you will find. I tend not to write about a specific instance or item but pick something that's been on my mind and then follow that thought train wherever it takes me. Looking back I can see what I meant or how I meant it but in the moment I wrote it I wasn't planning on it sounding the way it does. I have a very strong feeling I will look back on that last sentence and wonder where my grammar went. I'm at a loss yet again. I am never at a loss for thought but at a loss of words. I have failed to negotiate how to describe my thoughts; how to describe them accurately without delving too deep into details I'm certain I don't want to reveal. And now your mind needs to remove itself from the gutter and dust itself off. Here, I'll give you a moment. You ok now? Good. 

Where was I? Oh, yes, the cohesiveness of thought. I no longer care about that. I care that some perverted video game developer in Japan released a game called Rapelay where you stalk a woman and her daughters and rape them among other things. Who is that disturbed? It makes me sick to think that people are even buying this game. The line involving video game violence has not just been crossed but completely shattered. 

You may think I am slightly contradictory in my views about violence because I love and participate in a sport most commonly known as cage-fighting, but an internationally recognized combat sport with rules and regulations and consent forms is far different. 

I'm sorry, I feel as though this has gotten dark. I'm not sure how to brighten the mood though. A joke? An anecdote maybe? Something completely embarrassing that I did? I'm not sure where to begin the bright and happy crap. Screw it, I am drawing a blank... this time on thoughts, not words. You can't have words without thoughts therefore if you're drawing a blank on thoughts you're just shit out of luck. :) Happy Monday!

I <3 my inbox

It's so much easier to wake up in the morning when you have something to look forward to. 

Me Muero Por Besarte

No eligimos de quien nos amoramos. 

Ya, I've been watching a lot of television shows from spain in order to remind myself that I can speak the language. My friends find it both annoying and amusing that I've started addressing them in spanglish. They are mostly amused with the fact that I can say dirty things in another language. Needless to say, I'm finding it very useful and can I just say that I'd forgotten how much more beautiful things sound in spanish than in english. 

In other news, I feel better. Not like I was sick and now I'm not but I just feel better. I'm happier healthier and whatnot. So... 

A friend of mine is learning to do tarot card readings and I let him do mine the other day. Gotta say, just a little bit freaky. He decided to do a reading on my "love life" because they are the easiest to do. Needless to say there were some mighty awkward similarities. First card said there was someone who I really liked, true. Second card said that the major challenge had to do with authority, also true. The cards went on to practically parallel the situation at hand and the best possible outcome is that I end up with this person. I don't actually believe in tarot readings but I have to say it was pretty cool in the moment. 

That is all I have to say for now. Adios.