lonely

It's been awhile, I realize, since I've taken the time to actually write something with substance that is more than a couple sentences long. I make no guarantees, however, I think this time I might actually have something to say. I tend to have very unusual dreams and have recently started documenting the parts that I can remember, the strange thing is, when I look up certain objects or themes on dream dictionary they actually make perfect sense in regards to what's going on. For example, the other night I had a dream about eating a shit-ton of macaroni. Dreaming about Macaroni means that I need to be more frugal and save money and be more conscious about the economy. How does that relate to my waking life? Well, I am in desperate need of a job so that I can afford to pay for school supplies (Art school is expensive bitches!) and keep the one thing that keeps me sane right now: Boxing. That's right, I'm worried about being able to afford things and my dreams are telling me to be frugal and save... weird, or maybe not. 

As for the boxing, well, it keeps me focused and clear headed. I love it and if I could train my jiu-jitsu here as well I would. 

Back to being on the brink of losing something that keeps me in line, I feel like I'm losing people, friends and mentors. This summer was amazing and up until right around the Holidays I had this abundance of people around me who made life so much more interesting. Lately I feel like more and more are disappearing. Someone I really look up to never speaks to me. Someone who's blogs opened my eyes to new things, never writes anymore. Someone I thought was my good friend apparently isn't and maybe never was. I miss someone I hardly even knew and I'm worried I lost them for good. My friends are back home and text and call less and less and my friends here spend all their time asleep. Don't get me wrong, I value alone time as much as the next person but feeling alone all the time is not a cool thing. I can't even cuddle with my dog or cat because they're not at college with me. :(

Sorry for the somber bitter attitude... I need to lighten up. I think I'll probably be writing a lot more now, especially if I have to quit boxing. I might just fall apart. I come across as strong to a lot of people but it's how I protect myself when I know I'm not. The stronger I seem, the weaker I am don't let me fool you.